Man I have been EXHAUSTED In my spirit. When I say I have done some thannngsss in the past couple of years.I have been on a rollar coaster with God and lately I had to get off of it. Not because I didnt want to keep going but because I have nothing inside of me that has the strength to do anything but sit here and stare off into space.
I am a natural warrior (in the spirit). Since I was young there was never a war I didnt think could be won. And sometimes I think about taking up my weapons and taking a bat to the enemy again but then I know, I have no strenght right now. For the first time in a long time, you cant win anything for yourself or anyone else. All you can do is sit here.
A few days ago, I tried to go on a fast and it lasted until dinner time when I went and bought a scrumptious meal. There is a major need in someones life who matters so much to me. I knew that this was something that needed attention but on the day of this fake fast that I did, while I was praying Jesus whispered to me the same thing he has whispered for so long. He said focus on me.
I thought about that statement all day the next day at work. I thought about how risky it was to just focus on him when there were so many things that needed my attention. I imagined what would happen if I sat at the feet of Jesus and just did what he asked..give him some attention. And I imagined the worst. What if this happened..what if that happened. And then I realized that even if the worst happened, he is what really matters and if he allowed it while I was doing what I eblieved he said, I would be okay.
So there has been this hot guy that Ive been talking with lately. He is another reason why my focus has been a little off. I dont have time to just focus again. I am tired of the isolation. I am tired of doing things differently than others and I want to date like everyone else gets to. But I sensed once again Gods tether tell me, your life is different. I am the one who has every single thing worked out. What I have for you cant be missed. I am developing you.
So lo and behold my reason for not focusing on him and beginning this year doing what I have fought God on for so long—just focusing on him and him alone–faded into the background today. My reasons to not start tomorrow off in him flew out the window one by one and now there is really no good reason not to focus on him.
So here you go Jesus. This is going to be a year like none other.
I have fought you. I have not wanted to do this.
And here I am doing what I should have done 10 years ago.
And even if you didnt do what I have wanted you to do, you are still GOD and still my lovely husband.
