Lately, God has been trying to get the message to me from EVERYWHERE that he wants me to rest a while, come back to him, and learn how to fall in love with him. I am part of a group with the lady who I consider a mentor to me. For a couple of years It was a far off hope that one day I would connect with her. I just followed her blog and didnt ever think I would be in such close communion with her. But God worked it out. She taught a lesson to our group about seeking God more than the blessing.
I even mentioned in my group how much I sought God and I thought in my mind this couldnt be about me. But there was something in me that knew that it was. God wanted me to know him in a new way.
But Lord, havent I communed with you so much that we ARE close. Then I remembered just HOW MUCH God had done for me. I had sat with him for SOOO long and he had changed me bit by bit. I forgot that it was him that did it because I remember being broken as I was following him into wholeness.
Each step I took felt like work, but he was just teaching me the value. It was not me that could have ever given me the strength to even make those steps that would bring me into the most amazing life that I could have EVER wanted.
The things I asked of him were answered in such a BIG WAY. It was answered in the way that I knew that he could even though I remember asking him many times…will you do it for me, though? My lack of self esteem shown through with those questions so many times, but it didn’t keep him from blessing me.
I forgot how much fun it was just to simply sit in his presence and worship him, not sure if I ever really sat there and cleared my mind for long because soon enough I remember once again that he is the Father of the Universe and that I need yet another thing answered. I can hear him sigh, yes I will do that my daughter.
You know I will because I love you so much. But will you ever long for me as much as you long to put your life back together again? Will you long for me the way you longed for the healing? Will you ever sit here and just tell me that you want me?
I dont know Lord. I try. I really do.
But it is SO HARD. Ive gotten so used to a life that is pulling at your apron strings and you doing great things.
But can I just sit here. And just get to know you.
As an act of faith, I will.
I know this will be a new relationship but I guess that is what true relationship is, redefined as we grow and as we become better.
For as I sat with you and watched you build my life, this time into the one you always gave me as vision of that I didnt really know was me, you made me totally different.
And here I am, let me learn of you.
